dimfuture.net

When I first heard of the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon coming out on DVD, I tried, for some reason, to be indignant instead of enthusiastic — “why the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon, and not some more worthy cartoon from the Eighties?” I thought. After realizing how idiotic that statement was, I let nostalgia get the best of me and dropped it in the Netflix queue.

There’s one glorious moment on the D&D DVD, and it has nothing to do with the episode itself, but rather the commentary track. The commentary, for the most part, is unforgivably dull, as it features one lone writer, surrounded and overshadowed by a bunch of studio executives who talk endlessly about “optioning the property,” “standards and practices,” and a variety of other dreary topics. The writer, however, gets in one good shot — as one of the studio execs is rambling about the studio “wanting to have a say in the show content, because the studio paid for it,” the writer says dryly, “yeah, they were very dictatorial.”

“Presto, we cannot tell anyone what happened last night…”

The exec gives a choked, sputtering sound, and dead silence falls on the commentary for a few seconds. There’s no dismissive laughter, no attempt to defuse the awkwardness of the moment — just stunned silence before another exec hurriedly changes the subject. The writer doesn’t speak much for the rest of the episode, as he probably spent the rest of the half hour surrounded by grim men in suits with their hands in their jackets. And, yes, that’s pretty much the high point of the DVD — save for one other instant I’ll get to later.

In case you were a blastocyst during the Eighties, the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon was a vague take on the roleplaying game of the same name, which would gain some notoriety in the Eighties for changing vulnerable kids en masse into killer Satanists. Think of the current hysterical flap over video games and violence, and you’ve pretty much got a handle on it, except that instead of endless Dateline: NBC episodes about kids beating their parents to death with Playstation controllers, we got one Rona Jaffe movie about Tom Hanks going batshit and trying to jump off the World Trade Center because he thought he was a level seven cleric. How far we’ve come.

LFG Hellfire Peninsula!

The story of the D&D cartoon revolves around a mismatched group of kids who jump on a carnival ride and are inexplicably transported to a mystical land full of monsters and old Scooby Doo background paintings. They are met by “Dungeon Master,” a wizened, crypto-fascist homunculus who bestows upon them a few useless, cut-rate magical items and gleefully hurls them into one mind-bogglingly dangerous situation after another. Venger, the cross-eyed sorcerer (voiced by Transformers staple Peter Cullen) is the “force of evil” in this world, whereas Dungeon Master is more of a force of jovial, murderous indifference.

The vast majority of the plots are identical. Dungeon Master finds some “new way home,” which usually involves the kids doing something suicidally hazardous. He gives the group a series of simple, yet irritating, clues (which everyone in the party utterly fails to grasp), and then disappears, to the perpetual surprise of our heroes, who seem to have no long-term memory to speak of. The kids then dither around uselessly, backbiting and squabbling amongst themselves the entire time, often overcoming their obstacles by sheer accident, but always too late to get home — usually because the goddamned talking unicorn fucked up their program again. The characters struggle briefly with the hopeless caprice of their situation, but then laugh it off — it’s a sort of juvenile No Exit with monsters and a bow that shoots light.

“Fear not, I have Korean knock-off weapons!”

Now, although the D&D cartoon contains elements of the roleplaying game, it should surprise no one to learn that (according to the commentary) the show was just a retread of another fantasy cartoon concept that failed to sell, and was retooled with some D&D elements shoehorned in to sell action figures and copies of Keep on the Borderlands. Evidence of this can be seen in the way the show treats its monsters — Tiamat the Dragon, a fearsome staple of high-powered campaigns, is here the mythical equivalent of Raymond Chandler’s “group of men with guns,” bursting through the door when the action gets slow. Tiamat is not so much a fearsome opponent so much as an omnipresent nuisance, uselessly throwing its breath weapon around until it is either outsmarted once again, or simply totters off due to lack of interest. Similarly, Lolth, Demon Queen of Spiders, just happens to be hanging around some back alley, having nothing better to do than briefly snarl at our heroes before being effortlessly dispatched. Finally, despite a nearly infinite library of cool monsters in any one of the myriad D&D monster manuals, the show instead relies mostly on giant scorpions, giant beavers, etc., with the notable exception being the bullywugs — quite possibly the lamest D&D monstrosity this side of the vegepygmy.

“Out of mana LOL”

The protagonists are no better, of course. The ranger has feathered hair, and his little brother the barbarian recklessly charges everything he sees, and yet, inexplicably, is never violently killed. Eric, the cavalier (voiced by Happy Days alum Donny Most) is a generic, snobbish rich kid who sneers in indignant disbelief at everything (perhaps in an attempt to play analog to the audience — the problem with that is, he’s also an annoying moron who never shuts up). Presto, the magician, is quite possibly one of the most useless characters in heroic fiction, mumbling half-baked magic words and pulling “funny” objects out of his hat. Despite the fact that he never does anything useful, the group constantly shrieks at him to use his magic to get them out of trouble — further contributing to the theory that the characters are trapped in some Memento-esque purgatory of lost memory and hysterical anomie.

Incidentally, I got into hot water with my girlfriend by positing the theory that Presto the magician and Harry Potter are fundamentally the same character — both are bewildered, well-meaning dolts who can’t use magic to save their lives, but both of whom are fortunate enough to have a body of benefactors around to consistently save their bacon. The primary difference being, of course, that everyone sucks up to Harry Potter, whereas Presto is ruthlessly mocked for his failures. As she is a big Harry Potter fan, this theory did not earn me any brownie points.

Of course, snidely judging a kid’s cartoon by adult standards, no matter how amusing, is a bit unfair, and dodges the real question: does the cartoon hold up? Well, no, not really. By any modern cartoon standard, Dungeons & Dragons mostly stands as testament to how very far we’ve come in terms of kid’s animation. My list of complaints with the D&D cartoon are largely the same as when I watched it as a kid — why doesn’t the ranger’s bow kill anything? Why do the monsters suck so much? When is Venger going to smear that fucking unicorn across the landscape with a single, sorcerous blast of hellfire? When will these dimwitted kids realize that Dungeon Master is, in fact, the architect of their pain, a grim psychopomp* who’s toying with their lives to pass the time in his banal hell dimension? When will it be time for vengeance? Adulthood brings no answers to these questions. Even Venger, whom I once thought was the epitome of cool, is revealed as a cross-eyed, blustering eunuch, unable to best even a gaggle of disorganized teenagers, much less the queen of the dragons.

Still, it was fun to watch this show again — this time armed with a six-pack of Blue Moon Belgian White and some good friends to mock it with. And, to be fair, the cartoon does have one other moment of brilliance — this shot. To the artist who took time out to make that happen — I salute you. This single frame of Sheila the thief’s white cotton underwear probably left a proto-sexual imprint on hundreds of kids, who would  probably later grow up to watch countless episodes of Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi and buy used ladies’ underwear off the Internet. You did not know your power, sir. Godspeed.

* credit to Reverend Matt for this fine phrase.

I’ll admit it. When I first read the news about Shia LeBeouf being in Indiana Jones 4, I thought they were talking about the chick with the rack there, on the left. What? Her name could be Shia. Frankly, I find myself contending with no small amount of disappointment. No, turns out Shia LeBeouf is going to be playing Indy’s son. I won’t wax indignant about the progressive storytelling possibilities of having Indiana Jones have a swashbuckling archaeologist’s daughter instead of a son, because frankly, I’d still be hoping she looked like… that’s right. Chick with the rack.

Anyway, I won’t speak to my continuing dismay about Indiana Jones 4 apparently not being a pipe dream after all, despite no one I know actually wanting such a thing to happen. Of course, because it is an Indiana Jones film, and Indiana Jones is one of my favorite film franchises of all time, my curiosity will overcome my reticence, and I’ll be there anyway, all my bitching notwithstanding. I will probably even get excited, to the everlasting glee of close friends who delight in seeing me err deeply and mumble with remorse later. They’re watching. Always watching.

However, in the column of things I do want to see happen, James Cameron has confirmed his casting of Sigourney Weaver in his new film, Avatar. Now, I’ll readily admit that I don’t know the first thing about Avatar, partially because I can’t make heads or tails of the vague plot summaries I’ve found online (it’s in 3D? What?) and partially because I just love to be surprised — the reuinion of Weaver and Cameron is good enough for me. Well, that and the fact that whatever Avatar is about, it’s almost certainly not about a petty con and a spoiled brat trapped on a leaky boat.

In one other enticing tidbit from Sci-Fi Wire, LucasArts is developing The Force Unleashed, the game which, if it lives up to its promise, will finally grant the wish of Star Wars fanboys everywhere — namely, hunting down Jedi with Darth Vader somewhere between Episodes III and IV. At one time, this alone would have been enough to secure my purchase; LucasArt’s somewhat spotty record since those days will keep me waiting and watching. But still, as far as Star Wars game concepts go, you could do a lot worse than striding around with Darth Vader choking motherfuckers out. I just hope there are no minigames where Vader gets drunk after hours, starts crying over Padme, and you have to talk him down or get him a cab or something.

Updates this week! No, really, I mean it! Yes, I’m painfully aware that it’s nigh unto the end of February and there are five goddamn stories written for the mont, more than half of them the Reverend’s fine Macropodian offerings. Mea culpa and all that.

Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms is a better Hellboy movie than the Hellboy movie was.

Now, as big a fan as I was of the Hellboy movie, that takes quite a bit for me to say. As big a fan as I now am of Sword of Storms, I should warn you that this is not so much a review as it is an extended fanboy gushing, and a fervent recommendation that if you like Hellboy even a little, that you drop whatever you’re doing — working, giving birth, whatever — and get your hands on this DVD right away.

A straight-to-DVD project that I hope enjoys huge amounts of success, Sword of Storms is the first installment in the Hellboy Animated “series,” which is not, regrettably, a regular series — although I would, without pause, have my left testicle amputated to make it so. Sword of Storms exists in a universe that is not the same as the comics, nor the movie, but takes elements from both. In short, Hellboy is still with the BPRD, which is now based in the Colorado facility of the BPRD comics rather than the Connecticut offices of the Hellboy titles (or the New Jersey BPRD of the live-action movie… still with me here?)

As in the movie, Hellboy is inimitably voiced by Ron Perlman, Liz Sherman by Selma Blair, and Abe Sapien by Doug Jones, who physically played Abe Sapien in the movie, but whose voice was done by David Hyde Pierce. I… hello? Oh, I lost you. Well, that was bound to happen. I don’t suppose it will help to inform you that in the next Hellboy Animated movie, Blood and Iron, Trevor Bruttenholm is still alive (despite dying as an aside in every piece of Hellboy media to date) and being voiced by John Hurt, will it? (I see your eyes glazing over now. There, there. Shh. It’s gonna be ok…)

But, continuity be damned! Sword of Storms is pure Hellboy joy from start to finish, because — and this is key — it does everything right. This is almost pure, uncompromised Hellboy, missing only the moody, pitch-black art direction of the original Mignola comics — and that, according to the interviews with Mignola and others, was a deliberate artistic decision. Everything else that makes the franchise unique is there. Authentic mythology, black humor, a great story, and a wealth of two-fisted Hellboy-style action. There are ancient Japanese demons, hordes of menacing undead, ancient temples, ferocious bat-creatures, and lumbering cthonian monstrosities the size of football stadiums — in short, everything a Mignola story should be.

Though Sword of Storms in no way resembles Mignola’s work in terms of style, the art direction is top-notch all the same, vibrant and colorful. The character designs are rendered in a very simple, minimalist fashion that really works on the screen. Hellboy, in particular, just looks terrific, with glowing yellow eyes and Ron Perlman’s perfect voice adding the perfect finishing touch. (I’ll admit it. I’d watch Ron Perlman do Hellboy all the live-long day.)

Liz Sherman, in sharp contrast to Mignola’s original art, is now cute as a button, with huge limpid pools for eyes and a pouty expression. Selma Blair’s sarcastic, moody tone seems slightly at odds with the way the character is drawn, but it still works — it’s just different from what both the movie and comics had to offer. Abe Sapien is also much improved from the live-action movie, with his pointless psychic powers removed and his personality (and, most importantly, his humor) much more evident. Frankly, what they did to Abe Sapien was one of my biggest gripes with the live-action movie, but Sword of Storms completely makes up for it.

My only real criticisms of the art direction, in fact, are with the Japanese demons themselves. There is an extended “flashback” sequence that establishes the backstory of the demons, which is told in a jerky, stop-motion style that doesn’t really work for me at all. Also, when the demons finally do emerge in all their menacing glory, they come across as a bit too “anime” for me — complete with chatty “look at these fools” monologues and such. These are very minor criticisms, however, and don’t even come close to tarnishing what is otherwise a top-flight Hellboy experience. The DVD extras, incidentally, are pretty good, featuring interviews with Mignola, the artists, the musical composer, and of course, the marvelously enthusiastic Guillermo Del Toro. Everyone involved with this project was really in love with what they were doing, and it shows.

And now for the shameless shilling. Future installments of Hellboy Animated depend on how the DVD sales for the first two movies fare, so, for my sake, I implore you to pick up a copy of Sword of Storms. I myself picked up a limited-edition box set at Best Buy, which has a set of “Bust-Ups,” which, as near as I can tell, are action figures without articulation that come apart for some reason. I don’t really get it, but they look good on my desk.

Seriously. If you have any love for Hellboy at all, buy this instantly. If you didn’t care for the Hellboy movie at all, here’s your chance to see it done very, very right.

9/10

I know, we died again. This is one of the “fits” periods of the “fits and starts” cycle that Dimfuture undergoes every once in a while. I have houseguests and visitors and people actually paying me to write, so that’s been taking priority over this last couple weeks. But never fear, we’ll be back with a vengeance. We always are. Well, I am. I think the Reverend’s vengeance might take place elsewhere. But, anyway, one way or another, vengeance will be involved. We’re not one of those motherfuckers always acting like we forgot about vengeance.