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Wheee!

It’s a good thing I never went into journalism, because I’ve recently realized I’m complete crap at making headlines. Thinking over part one of this little series, and wondering why almost no one seems to have read it, I realized I’d probably botched the job. I wasn’t really griping about Star Wars as such, even though I explicitly said so in the headline. But “Humorous Observations Regarding Star Wars” sounds so bland I want to punch myself in the jaw. “Petty, Inconsequential Star Wars Shit I Noticed” doesn’t fare much better. The whole miserable enterprise just lacks focus. And so I officially retitle this article “A Loving Tribute to the Foibles of Star Wars.” It still doesn’t quite fit what I’m going for, but at this point, fuck it.

Still, a promise is a promise, and despite really wanting to give up yesterday because of massive computer troubles, I forged ahead despite common sense and the invisible disapproval of that little devil on my shoulder who’s always telling me to quit while I’m behind. Here, then, are nine admiring, yet inconsequential, observations about Star Wars — none of which mention a certain Gungan, thank you very much.

#1. You Little Padawan Shit

Thrill to the adventure as wizened Jedi masters grill and taunt a terrified eight-year-old. This scene, more than any other, demonstrates that the Jedi are really overdue for a good wiping out. Greetings, small child we just pressed into competing in a dangerous, death-defying podrace before taking him away from his mother and the only home he’s ever known! Can you read what’s on these cards? Oh, you can? Well, let me ask you this, smart guy. Do you miss your mommy, you little weakling? Do you? Do you? Having feelings is for the weak. The world’s a tough old bastard, and it will grind you into powder if you so much as look at me cross-eyed. You had best unfuck yourself and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks, Private Pyle!

This scene sort of ushered in the whole “in order to be a Jedi, you must be an emotionless robot” school of thought prevalent throughout the prequels, which never very sat well with me, for three reasons:

1) I grew up with the original trilogy, where being a Jedi meant being cool and lightsabering everything in sight;

2) Encouraging more wooden, emotionless behavior from Star Wars actors is generally not a good thing (although how would you know, right? High five! Okay, maybe later);

3) The Jedi, despite their lip service, are still pretty much about lightsabering everything in sight, except now they just seem more staid and hypocritical about the whole thing. Except for Samuel Jackson, who always looks terminally pissed off, God bless ‘im.

#2. Political Shenanigans

This is probably the most traditional gripe in the batch. I’ve heard people accuse Phantom Menace of everything from having too much plot to having no plot at all. (I’ve also heard people accuse it of coming to their house and killing their dog, but I suspect these people may be exaggerating.) I come down somewhere in the middle, but I will say this much; the politics of Phantom Menace confuse me to no end. A democratically elected queen? A treaty that makes a military invasion legal? Some incoherent mumbling about the taxation of trade routes that no one really understands? What the ring-tailed rambling hell is going on in this crazy galaxy? Fortunately, Phantom Menace spends little time on this, as the “negotiations” of the Jedi soon turn to them destroying everything they see. At least they don’t miss their mothers while doing so. Because that would be evil, you see.

#3. Anakin Clogged the Drain Again!

“Anakin! How many times have I told you not to do this thing we can’t possibly avoid doing!” Obi-Wan, like a stereotypical sitcom dad, breaks Anakin’s balls at every possible opportunity during Episode II’s thrilling speeder chase. “Anakin! Don’t forget to signal your lane change! Anakin, you just blew through a stop sign! Anakin, you’re doing 175 in a 150, slow down!”

What strikes me as weird about this line is that it intimates that somehow, Anakin has made a regular habit of uncontrollably plowing vehicles into live power couplings at top speed, so much so that Obi-Wan feels the need to scold him about it. There’s also kind of a “Super Friends” air to the moment, where a character gives a lengthy speech on how he has no time to dodge the oncoming attack. I thought Anakin was supposed to have super Jedi reflexes. I can only assume that either his senses have been dulled by too many Smirnoff Ice-chugging Padawan frat parties, or he just gets his rocks off from high-voltage electrical charges to the groin.

#4. Try Changing Into Someone Smart

This one’s a bit obvious, but I just have to point it out. Zam Wessell is quite possibly the most incompetent assassin to ever mildly inconvenience a Senator. I won’t even mention the James Bondian level of inefficiency inherent in sending little poison worms to do a high-powered sniper rifle’s job. What’s truly bewildering is that they take special pains to call attention to the fact that Zam is a changeling — a changeling who goes into a crowded club “to hide, not to fight” — and then not only doesn’t change shape in order to hide, but then tries to sneak up on a Jedi. With a pistol. At arm’s length. Her subsequent dismemberment and death should come as a surprise to no one; clearly, Zam Wessell was too goddamned stupid to live.

The scene is capped off by Obi-Wan squinting thoughtfully at the dart embedded in Zam’s neck and grimly intoning, “a dart,” thus securing his reputation as the greatest Jedi detective of all time. I only wish Episode II would have continued with the two Jedi searching the galaxy for “a bounty hunter named ‘Aaaargh Ugh-poof.’”

#5. Padme Amidala: Raging Imbecile

I find this moment where Padme almost indignantly asks Anakin “what’s wrong?” to be one of the most chuckle-worthy dialogue choices in the entire prequel trilogy. Yeah, Anakin. You just buried the body of your tortured and brutalized mother and exterminated a whole village of indigenous peoples. What on earth could possibly be wrong? Baby miss his mommy? Baby want a bottle?

Even more unintentionally humorous is Padme’s rapid accomodation and enablement of Anakin’s mass murder. “Aw, you’re only human, Anakin. Gee, wipe out a village or two? Who hasn’t? I’m senator of Nabboo, I’ve lost count of the number of tribes I’ve exterminated for my political ends!” What really gets me, though, is that Padme has the nerve to act surprised at the end of Episode III, when Anakin admits he’s pretty single-handedly destroyed the Republic. Killed everyone, you say? Consumed by anger? My goodness, this is so unprecedented! “You’ve changed! I don’t know you anymore!” Padme cries, conveniently forgetting that whole “genocide” thing from before. Let’s face it. Padme Amidala wasn’t fit to run the french-fry machine at Dexter’s Diner, much less get elected senator. This, of course, means her election is the single most realistic thing about Star Wars ever.

#6. Jedi Salad Shooter

Lettuce give peas a chance? This coded message makes no sense!

It’s no wonder you can’t get a signal to Coruscant, Obi-Wan. You’re trying to transmit your carrier signal on a vegetable steamer.

Rare deleted scenes from Episode II’s cutting room floor include Obi-Wan trying to grapple onto the Slave I with a can opener and some string, unsuccessfully “scanning” Lama Su’s life signs with a bent potato peeler, and attempting to repair his Jedi starfighter with a broken bit of post-Victorian watch fob.

#7. I Thought Our Shields Were Bad… on the Outside!

So, the shields that keep all the air in the hangar bay are controlled by an easily-shot external component kept right next to the hangar bay. This is what happens when you design star cruisers by committee. I guess the designers figured that the crew, being robots, wouldn’t mind occasionally being unexpectedly jettisoned into hard vacuum.

#8. Padme’s Wacky Mutant Pregnancy

The circumstances of Padme’s pregnancy are the only thing in the prequels more confusing to me than the politics. If the visual cues of the movie are any indication, the human females of Star Wars remain lean and supple for the first nine months, blossom to the second trimester in the course of a few days, and then give birth scant hours later.

Duhh, I dunno!

Only adding to the grim hilarity is the apparently wretched state of Republic health care. At the end of the film, an apparently worthless droid explains, “Medically, she’s perfectly healthy. For reasons we can’t explain, we are losing her.” Not much of a diagnosis for a supposedly advanced medical unit. Did the programmers really build in an “apologetic shrug” subroutine? I don’t mean to play armchair physician here, Doc, but is there any small possibility that being force-choked into unconsciousness during what was apparently the final hours of her pregnancy might have complicated things a little? Fucking droid HMOs.

Bonus points for the droid baby spatula though. We need those in real life.

#9. “Look at me! I’m a Senator!”

I’m haunted by the kiss.. uh… suffering… boobies.

“Look at me! I’m a senator! And this is how a senator dresses! On Fridays I’m a Spanish contessa, and on the weekends I’m either a cheerleader or a naughty nurse.” Yeah. When Anakin asks her if she’s suffering as much as he is, he’s talking about his blue balls.

Honorable Mentions!

So that’s the list. But wait, there’s more! Here’s some stuff that, for whatever reason, I didn’t want to put in the actual list. Mostly because I didn’t want to make a liar out of myself when I said that the prequel list was only one item longer. So here are the dregs!

Bail Organa, Mega-Dick

Realistically, it’s fairly easy to work out why Bail Organa ordered C3PO’s memory wiped. As the resident panicky blabbermouth of Star Wars, C3PO would most likely have spilled the beans about the Jedi-in-hiding just at random, never mind under duress. Of course, no one cares about wiping R2D2′s memory, because even when someone can understand what he’s saying, he still knows when to keep his trap shut.

All the same, that droids are carelessly treated as property is a fact that somehow escaped me through my naive, Star Wars-lovin’ childhood. Questions about whether artificial lifeforms can feel genuine emotions gain new poignance in the face of C3PO’s terrifying realization that his identity is about to be annihilated. Adding to the cruelty is Organa’s casual refusal to explain his actions. Wipe his memory. Why? Because I’m fucking Bail Organa, that’s why!

Killing In The Name Of…

Hello in there! Hellooo! Clean your windshields?

Midway through the spectacular opening space battle of Episode III, Obi-Wan suffers through another of Anakin’s reckless stunts as his own student sprays him wildly with blaster fire in an attempt to save him. (Smart cookie, that Anakin.) “In the name of…!” Obi-Wan bellows, and then just trails off, probably because Jedi have no deities or mythic figures to invoke by name, and George Lucas probably sat at his typewriter burning his arm with lit cigarettes for an hour before realizing there was no way to finish this sentence.

Fire Bad!

Fe, fi, fo, fum…

I saved this until last, because of all the items on this list, the last is the closest to being a legitimate gripe, instead of just humorous poking-of-fun.

Someone really needed to say no to George here. No, George, making oversized sets will not make puny, shrimpy Hayden Christensen look like towering David Prowse. No, George, the new symmetrical Vader helmet does not look as cool as the old Vader helmet. No, George, paying homage to Frankenstein by having Hayden lurch and stumble around the set like a Gen Con cosplayer after one too many scotch and soldiers is not going to make the kind of cinematic history you want.

What bothers me most about this scene is that it almost works; it’s right on the cusp of really hitting it out of the park, but then gets shot to hell by Vader’s moaning, operatic cry — a moment which, through no fault of Star Wars, only capped twenty years of ironic overuse. Someone should have shown George some clips of Futurama’s All My Circuits to gently demonstrate why only the most dedicated fan could keep from howling with laughter at this scene.

That, and Hayden Christensen is a noodle.

Thanks for reading. See you in another ten years?