Crystal Hunt
Craig
Donnie Yen is one of my favorite actors. His performances in Hero, Once Upon a Time in China II, and Iron Monkey are among the best I have seen. But for every Iron Monkey, there is an Iron Monkey II. Yen’s performances are impressive, but the films he is in are not always worthy of his coolness. When I find a Yen title that I had not previously been aware of, I approach with caution.
Release
Bonzai
Dubbed, pan and scan.
Starring
Donnie Yen, Lau Gar Fei, Sibelle Hu, Carrie Ng, Ken Lo, Fujimi Nadeki, Leung Ka Yan, John Salvitti, Michael Woods, Kevin Letton
In Brief
Lisa’s father is dying, poisoned by a black magic spell, presumably as revenge by one of the victims of his lifetime of evil deeds. Lisa wants to find the golden crystal to cure him, despite his insistance that she let him die a slow, agonizing death to pay for his crimes. Professor Law, a man in a suit, tells her that the crystal has a mystical power, and it can be found at the sacred mountain. He says this with a charming matter-of-factness. Lisa will be assisted in this quest by her love interest and all-purpose henchman, Gordon (Lo).
There are others interested in finding the crystal. Take, for example, Stephen, a dealer in uncut cocaine and antique artifacts.
Some kind of comet passes by the earth that makes humankind unable to walk more than five steps without doing a flying carrot roll. Michael Woods has a special allergy to the comet which makes him unable to express himself except by screaming, and going cross-eyed with rage. The comet is never shown on screen; we must infer its existence from the subtext.
Bret (Yen) is a retired cop with the best pants ever.
Bret’s former partner, Wu (Hu) is investigating Stephen’s drug/artifact ring. Her new partner, Lung (Lau) is killed trying to bust them. She swears revenge.
Just to keep the plot threads from showing any daylight between them, Bret’s love interest, Winny, is Professor Law’s daughter.
They spend a while searching for Professor Law, eventually tracking him to the sacred mountain. All interested parties arrive at the same time. They find the professor dead at the scene, grab the crystal, and begin fighting over it.
Nice Shots
Officer Hu is chasing Bad Guys (TM). Thier getaway strategy is a) one of them steals a tricycle, and b) the other hangs on the back and drags along the ground. Best plan ever.
Best Stunt(s)
Professor Law’s assistant gets kicked over a rail by Stephen. The stunt is broken up into three shots, but they stitch together nicely.
In a warehouse fight, Donnie kicks back and forth between two thugs, starting around their knees, and working his way up.
The final rumble is fantastic. Michael Woods is amazingly fast and agile for a man of his size, even taking the undercranking into account.
Triple kicks
Michael Woods triple kicks Donie Yen!
Salvitti triple kicks Yen, and moments later, gets triple kicked right back.
Disappointments
The protagonists are not terribly sympathetic, randomly brutalizing every potential witness and suspect they encounter. It is difficult to empathize with anyone. The love interests are not played to any great effect. Even the discovery of Professor Law’s dead body is an emotional throw-away moment.
Lau Kar Fei plays a shotgun wielding tough-guy cop who gets gunned down and blown up in the first ten minutes. When I saw his name in the credits, I was expecting a Shaolin monk cop.
Final Analysis
The dubbing is better than average. The voice actors concentrate on performance more than lip-synching. The fights are strong throughout, and get very good at the end. The story desperately needed a critical editorial review. The core idea of police officers and archaeologists searching for an artifact is workable, but the execution is rough. Too much work went into tying all of the story threads together, and not enough went into the transitions between scenes. Two and a half stars, plus one bonus star for having Donnie Yen and Michael Woods.
If You Like This
Try some other Donnie Yen cop stories from the same era: Tiger Cage I and II, and In the Line of Duty IV.
To see more of Ken Lo stealing ancient artifacts, see Drunken Master II.
If you dig that coffee-achieving, can-do soundtrack, try Fletch or Beverly Hills Cop.
April 17th, 2007 at 9:29 am
The comet is never shown on screen; we must infer its existence from the subtext.
Priceless! Nice review. I found it highly entertaining. And I like the format you’ve used as well.
April 17th, 2007 at 11:12 am
The downside of this impending series is that my wife will probably leave me after I add all of these movies to our Netflix queue.
April 17th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
This is brilliant.
Our intrepid reviewer is the reason I can pick Donnie Yen and Andy Lau out of a lineup now. I can’t remember what life was like before that. More confusing, no doubt.
April 17th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
Thanks, jimbow!
Pete, note smoonn’s post; the key to survival is to bump movies with Donnie Yen and Andy Lau higher up the queue. When your wife is gone for the weekend, you can indulge in the pure testosterone thrill-chases like Fist of Legend. If this fails, you get divorced, and you need resolve to kill yourself, watch Fantasy Mission Force. I’m telling you, this genre has all the bases covered.
April 17th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
It’s good to know that I’ve got the need-resolve-to-kill-myself genre covered. Since my wife and I are learning Chinese, I actually have a great excuse to watch kung fu movies. They’re “educational” now.
April 18th, 2007 at 8:56 am
Bloody brilliant, old man. May I request that you cover your favorites of the genre, in particular, though not necessarily at the expense of other films?
April 18th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
Very nice!
Also check out Holy Virgin vs. Evil Dead for more obscure Donnie Yen action.
April 18th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Matt: Rest assured, I’ll hit my personal favorites. For the first few weeks, I want to jump around a bit, hit some different subgenres, and several different production crews and lead actors. Also, I don’t want to just run through all of my favorites right at the beginning; save some for dessert!
D_Davis: I’ve heard mention of Holy Virgin vs. Evil Dead, but the only place I’ve ever seen it on the shelf was a place on H street that is split half and half between obscure action movies and porn. There is nothing more stigmatizing than being handed your cheap-ass Bonzai discs in a “discreet” black plastic bag. I may ask after it down at my preferred supplier in Pentagon City. That guy hands out films in bags that look like surplus supplies from a take-out restaurant. SCORE!
April 23rd, 2007 at 2:20 pm
I saw this movie. While Donnie Yen rocks in general, the quote that kept popping in my mind was: “Do you wanna fight?!” from the somewhat annoying and tomboyish partner.
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