dimfuture.net

Not to be confused with Legend of the Red Dragon.

So, I slacked last week, and I owe the community a review.

Look, folks, I’m going to be right up front about this: I’m in a smartass mood today. I torpedoed my career before it started, I can’t afford a decent place to live, I crashed my truck, and this chick I dig is totally ignoring me. I don’t see how it behooves me to give a shit about anything.

So I’m going to review a film I don’t give a shit about.

Release
Ground Zero Entertainment. Focus on the Zero.

Starring
Hwa Lun, Tong Sing Tai, Shing Tien Che, Li Su Hwa

In Brief
There are these monks, and the Ching Bastards want to wipe them out with a cunning plan. Hmmm… Never heard this story before. More specifically, the Ching Bastards think the monks are hiding an heir from the Ming dynasty, a young boy. (They are, but that’s beside the point.) The adult monks are ordered to wander off for a while, so Ching soldiers can wipe out the children at the temple.

Wait, I’m taking the wrong approach to this. Let’s try again.

There are these Shaolin Monks, and these Ching Bastards. They fight.

Nice Shots
Hmm… Perhaps you’d like:

A Neo-Nazi Santa Clause menacing small children with a razor blade?

No?

How about some old-school contributing to the delinquency of a minor?

This drunken boxing sequence is played to the Wong Fei Hung theme music. I’d ask why, but I’m afraid someone might answer.

A little emotionally meaningless death?

Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!

Still not impressed? Well, no point being coy. Let’s get down to the

Multi-Monk Arrays

Unlimited MONK ARRAYS!

Disappointments
Needed more multi-monk arrays.

Final Analysis
This film has Ching Bastards, multi-monk arrays, a simpering toady, ninjas, and a Shaolin Monk having a bad hair day. One half star, plus three for the arrays.

Uh, if we buy him some conditioner, does he stop kicking our asses?

If You Like This
Take everything from your refrigerator that fits in a blender, and turn it on “high” without the lid.

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 6th, 2007 at 4:01 am and is filed under Chop Socky, Movies, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.