dimfuture.net

In yesterday’s review of the highly enjoyable Hellboy Animated: Blood and Iron, I promised a review of the limited-edition action figure included with certain editions of the DVD. A reader informed me that this particular figure is only available at Best Buy, and I note that they’re already going for grossly inflated prices on Amazon — so if you’re into action figure collecting (which I’m not, by the way), you’ll want to pick this up as soon as you can — because it rocks.

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Remember when Reverend Matt used to write Men of Action? Oh, sure, we all do. Those were the halcyon days of dimfuture, filled with light and laughter and MODOK. Since that bygone age, the good Reverend has moved on to greener and more lucrative pastures, at least insofar as talking about toys is concerned. He emails me, every once in a while, to regale me with hellish tales of life in the action-figure gulag, each tyrannical regime more brutal and terrifying than the last, but each still preferable to posting reviews here. Actually, I just made that all up. I thought it sounded funny.

Anyway, in a vain attempt to fill the Reverend’s daunting size fourteens, I present to you a brief review of Kenner’s Moff Jerjerrod, a figure that truly represents the bottom of the Lucasfilm barrel. (See, you thought it was Power Droid. Nope.)

Now, you might think it’s stupid to put a cheap Kenner figure on the same level as the more robust and detailed action figures the Reverend reviewed, and you’d be right! But I have a special reason for doing this; namely, the Moff Jerjerrod figure is fucking hilarious.

First, a little background. In case you’re a little fuzzy on your inconsequential Return of the Jedi characters, Moff Jerjerrod was the panicky, gulping nincompoop whose shit Darth Vader imperiously commanded he get together in the opening minutes of the film. After promising to “redouble his efforts,” Jerjerrod turned crisply on his heel and strode off, presumably with a full load in his pants, and was never seen again.

According to legend, and a few rare movie stills, Vader later took the time to lay the unholy smack down on Jerjerrod, presumably for failing to redouble his efforts as previously promised. As with all things Star Wars, Jerjerrod has an exhaustive, yet entirely irrelevant background, and, thanks to Kenner, his own action figure. Let’s have a look, won’t we?

Word to your mother, Tarkin.

Sculpt: I’m not quite as skilled or discriminating as the good Reverend when it comes to things like this, but I’ll do my best. Jerjerrod’s figure sculpt is capable enough, in that he’s easily identifiable as a human being, if not necessarily, you know, Moff Jerjerrod. He looks more like a pinch-faced Paul Rubens in an Imperial outfit, glaring up from under hooded brows in a Stanley Kubrick-esque fashion. This, combined with his ramrod-stiff stance, is what made the Jerjerrod figure really leap out at me from the toy shelf: he looks so god damned mad with his arms sticking straight down, as if in impotent fury. I imagine this is what he must have looked like when squeaking orders to the Death Star contractors, whinily demanding they “redouble their efforts like Vader said” and dodging styrofoam cups of hot coffee.

Paint: Oh, boy, do I have a lot to say about the paint on this figure! Wait, no I don’t. A gray suit and some flesh. Everything pretty much appears to be in order. If you look closely enough, Jerjerrod’s neck is several shades lighter than his head, making him look weathered beyond his years, or perhaps as if he slathered Fake Bake tanning lotion on his face — and nowhere else. Look, I told you I was no good at this.

Oh God! Medic! Too-Onebee! Medic!

How Articulate! Although Jerjerrod’s straight-armed “ooh, I’ll get you” stance is by far the most humorously rewarding of any position you might put him in, it’s worth noting that this figure’s articulation is, for a Kenner figure, uncommon. He’s articulated at the legs, but they’re held in place by the bottom of his Imperial tunic, making it impossible for him to ever sit or bend, and thus making that particular point of articulation useless. He also has points at the hips, wrists, elbows, shoulders, and neck, although the elbows are where things really go wrong.

The elbow points are sheared at an angle, which makes bending his arms something of a dodgy proposition. These points are also very loose, making it rather easy to just tear Jerjerrod’s arms off at the elbow, leaving him with only a stump (I’m not saying this isn’t awesome, of course; it’s just not what I expected). Fortunately, the arms are easily reattached, which is a good thing, because they come off pretty much at any time.

The plus side is that Jerjerrod can assume many arm positions unavailable to more standard Kenner figures: covering his face up in abject terror, shrugging in helpless bewilderment, clutching his stomach in agony after being gut-punched by an irate Trandoshan teamster, and my personal favorite, the “oh Jesus Christ I broke my fucking arm help help.”

Standery-Uppery: Because of Jerjerrod’s stiff, mostly immovable legs, he stands up just fine, with or without the use of his base. In other words, you’ll have no problem keeping him in the one position available to him.

A rare photo of Jerjerrod at the climax of ROTJ.

Accessories: There are so many accessories that could have made Jerjerrod cool. A bucket for him to puke in after his meeting with Vader. A tiny bottle of antacids, or perhaps speed. An escape pod for him to scramble into immediately after looking at the Death Star’s latest P/L statements. But no. He comes with a little rubbery Imperial pistol, which is great if you can imagine Moff Jerjerrod actually threatening anyone with it. Despite my struggles, I could not get him to point the blaster at his own head, which, again, smacks of opportunity lost. The only thing that would have been better than that would be an action button on his back to make him drop the pistol and raise both hands in abject surrender.

Overall:

My scan is complete; you are clearly afflicted with girl germs. No returns.

So, as we chronicled last time out, Mezco announced in 2005 that it would take a year for the second wave of Hellboy figures to come out. Meaning they’d be out in September or October of 2006. And some people freaked out, ruining everyone’s fun. Then a year passed. And then a further month. And then another one. And the figures were nowhere to be seen – at least, nowhere in the Midwestern hometown of your humble reviewer. Some were gonna be set aside for him at his comic shop and everything. But nope! On the Internet, though, there the series was thick as thieves! Thicker! And so he broke down and ordered ‘em thus. So yes, hooray, he’s got his figures – thing is, Mezco has stated that series 3 is dependent on the sales of series 2. Which I’m frankly anticipating to be poor. Sales are often less then brisk for a product that is not made available. Ah well. At least your reviewer got a mysterious Hellboy Alien before the series went (presumably) belly-up.

Where do they come from? What do they want? What is their connection to – what the hell?

Articulation: Well, it’s okay, but not fantastic. Most of the points of articulation generally found in this series are there. But the movement of the arms is limited by the giant shoulders. Plus, there’s no foot articulation. No foot articulation. My God, it’s like that nightmare I had…

Sculpt: Once again, the reproduction of Mike Mignola’s artistic style is absolutely sterling. Right on down to the really boring legs – one of the disadvantages of reproducing so minimalist a style as Mike’s. (We appear to be on a first name basis, now, your reviewer and Mike.)

The time has come to reveal all – we are observers of the Earth, seeking to – OOOF

Paint: Well, there’s not much to work with, and a bit of bleed, for what there is. Not terrible, though, and maybe your reviewer should throw some more stars on there, in hopes that it will prompt you to buy the figure, and thus increase the chances of series 3. No – no, that would be lying.

Durability: Probably good! But maybe not! Review copy didn’t break at all! But who knows? You? Nope!

Oh, fer chrissakes, Mulder, now what?

But Can It Do the Robot?: No. No it can’t. But that’s because it’s a bit on the front-heavy side to begin with. It actually stands up quite easily and stably, if one pays attention to what one is doing. Standing up action figures is not something to be done lightly, friends.

Accessories: Oh, now we’re talking. Alien here comes with three separate alien doohickeys, each of them a translucent green rod-type thing with a handle! They’re all different shapes. Presumably for different functions; one is a scanner, perhaps, and another a weapon, and the third a pet-groomer. Or one is a beacon, and another surfs the Internet, and the last one writes poetry! Who knows? It’s limited only by your imagination! Anyway, there’s also the new Mignola alien-picture on the packaging; that’s neat too.

Overall:

A quasi-human construct made of herbs and blood – for America’s libraries

Your reviewer doesn’t spend much time on message boards; most are, of course, havens for the sort of behavior that aspires dreamily, but vainly, to the dizzying heights of “obnoxiously childish.” And those few that feature people treating one another like human beings are usually damnably insular; fun to read, perhaps, but impossible to get replies to one’s own contributions. One exception to this rule was the Mezco Toyz message boards, where, after the release of Hellboy series one, fans of the line from all over the world came together to discuss its merits and its flaws, and generally have a good old time. Then…then, Mezco announced that series two wouldn’t be out for another year. And some of the regular posters went completely, twenty-speed apeshit. To call their protestations “vocal” would be to call the Star Wars Holiday Special “not very good.” One could not use a word with the letter H in it without their howling, “H stands for Hellboy, and Mezco delayed series two by a year, and this is worse than Dachau! It will destroy the Hellboy line, and the entire Mezco corporation!” Okay, the first line there is an exaggeration; they didn’t say that – but they sure did say the second line, over and over again. They didn’t get around to snowballing it further, to this delay spelling the end of western civilization and macrobiotic life. But then, your reviewer bolted after a few weeks of this behavior, so maybe they eventually did. A great pity. Anyway, all of this has little to do with today’s subject – poor, dead Roger, the homonculous.

Will you quit doing that?!?

Articulation: Not phenomenal, but not too bad, either. The joints tend to be a bit tight, which makes them hard to move, or at least hard to move without worrying about tearing them arms and legs right off. On the other hand, the little porthole in his chest opens, and that’s quality.

Sculpt: As with Johann, a truly remarkable job has been done with recreating Mike Mignola’s artistic style. And the ring on his codpiece is real metal! One could perhaps do without his left hand being permanently fisty, and his right being held open in such a way as to make it impossible for him to carry his main accessory, but so it goes. Also, his facial expression is perhaps a bit much; Roger is certainly a somber sort, but this Roger seems luridly depressed. Still, these are quibbles.

Roger does the robot (dedicated to Mr. Dan Swensen)

Paint: For a guy who is brown, this is a mighty fine paint job. The shading is excellent, there’s no bleed, and the old-metal quality to his chest-port is particularly impressive.

Durability: Well, there’s that smell again, but that could be just his flexible vest. And there were a number of complaints about series one’s breakability, back on the message boards, though a lot of these were along the lines of “I put my Hellboy figure in the heart of an atomic explosion, and it broke!” So we’ll just give this one the benefit of the doubt.

Don’t sweat it, kid. I been dead hundreds of times.

There Comes A Time In Every Man’s Life When He Must Ask Himself, “Does This Action Figure Stand Up Well?”: Stands up fine. He can even do the robot, as we have seen. Ability to do the robot is really a benchmark of action-figure stability.

Accessories: His vest is removable, and that’s aces. He comes with a book, presumably occulty, and that’s an excellent Hellboy prop in general; too bad he can’t really hold it, though. And there’s a new Mignola picture of Roger on the packaging, which, as we mentioned in Johann’s episode, constitutes a depressingly high percentage of Mignola’s published output for 2006.

Overall:

aaaAAACHOO!

In 2005, the news came: Mezco Toyz, the makers of the very, very good figures for the Hellboy movie, had acquired the license to make figures based on the Hellboy comic books! And they would do so later that same year! Fans of both Hellboy and action figures rioted in the streets! But they were riots of pure joy! And then the lineup for series one was announced, and it was an extremely great lineup – Hellboy, Liz Sherman, Lobster Johnson, and a Kriegaffe, with Von Klempt – and all of the Hellboy/figure fanboys’ heads just blew right up! It was horrible! Only your reviewer survived, thanks to his naturally phlegmatic personality. And so only he lived to see the second wave of Hellboy figures, released (sorta; we’ll discuss that later) in late 2006. We shall now take a look at that second wave, or rather, 75% of it – your reviewer didn’t pick up the Hellboy from this wave, as he has enough goddamned Hellboys. First up: Johann Kraus, a German medium turned mass-of-ectoplasm-in contaiment-suit.

Awesome faceless pseudo-undead Hellboy German FACEOFF!

Articulation: Typical of the Hellboy line, the articulation is really very good, though not at all up to Marvel Legends standards. Particularly impressive here is the ball-joint upon which the head is mounted. Your reviewer always sorta figured that Johann couldn’t turn his head, due to the construction of his suit, but he’ll gladly put that aside in service of the holy articulation.

Sculpt: This is where this line really stands out: The sculptor really made these things look like the art of Hellboy’s creator, Mike Mignola. Every proportion is right, every angular and rough-hewn surface; it’s a wonder to behold.

I’m not touching you! Does this bother you? I’m not touching you!

Paint: Well, most of it is pretty good; no bleed, and excellent shading in the clothing. But the ectoplasm, including his head, is a kind of dull yellow color, which is not comic-accurate – he’s more of a blue – and, well, there’s no way to put this pleasantly: He looks like he’s a bag full of urine.

Durability: Well, it seems pretty good. Your reviewer did have a Hellboy from this line break on him once, though. Plus Johann has that soft-plastic smell – although this could be due to his belt-pouches, which hang on flexible plastic straps (a nice touch, by the way). So it’s hard to say. Sometimes, all an action-figure-collector can do is worry, and hope. Unless that collector is into NECA figures, in which case he’s clearly just given up. (Oooooh!)

It would be the BPRD’s strangest case yet!

Whether It Stands Up Well Or Not: Very impressive, actually; Johann stands right the hell up, in a variety of leg-positions. You can even have his very large ectoplasm-projections reach well out in front of him, with no appreciable compromise of stability. Bravissimo!

Accessories: Johann comes with two left hands and two right hands. One of each is just a plain ol’ hand; the other is in the midst of projecting a mass of ectoplasm. The right hand’s has a sort of hand on the end; the left’s is just a random mass. This, o children, is awesome, and never let anyone tell you different. Plus the hands all fit snugly on the arms, and yet are easily removed. Your reviewer’s hat is off. Also, one could very nearly consider the Mignola-drawn picture of Johann on the packaging to be an accessory. The man is one of the very best artists in the business, but – like many who may be described thus – he publishes maybe three comics’ worth of drawings per year. There are perfectly reasonable people, people of good character, who will buy this figure just for the new Mignola art, and more power to ‘em.

Overall: