dimfuture.net

Drunken Master has been peppering my If You Like This… segments for the entire life of this column. Why, you might ask, have I not reviewed it yet? I was busy with stuff.

Snake in Eagle’s Shadow set a box office record, and in Hong Kong, the traditional way to follow up a financially successful film is to start shooting again before the cast have made their way out to the parking lot, often with disastrous results. If the audience will pay to see anything you release, why bother releasing another good film? Somehow, Ng See Yuen and company escaped that mentality, and followed up with a film dangerously similar to Snake in many ways, but still innovative, and polished.

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Well, let’s get it out of the way straight off. Flash! Ahh-ahhh! He’ll save every one of us! You have to do that when discussing Flash Gordon, you know. It’s like a drinking game without the booze. The deathless battle cry of this movie is well-known even to those who have never even seen it. Full of color, verve, and the rocking, operatic sounds of Queen, the 1980 Flash Gordon takes Eighties camp to a level matched by few of its big-haired contemporaries. It’s a damn shame the 2007 series can’t say the same thing. At least then, there would be a reason to recommend it.

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Jackie Chan’s film career started when he was about eight years old. A member of the Yuen Opera troupe, he was selected more or less at random to appear as a child extra in a film. When he left the opera, Chan found his way into film as a stuntman, and eventually became a fight choreographer. After the death of Bruce Lee, the Hong Kong film industry crashed. Lee’s star power had increased the esteem of HK action movies from audiences around the world; after his death, production companies were hung up trying to find the “next Bruce Lee”, and trying to capitalize on his name and image with varying levels of tact.

Chan was signed to a multi-picture deal with director Lo Wei, who had directed Lee in The Big Boss and Fists of Fury. Lo and Chan cranked out such turkeys as New Fist of Fury, and tanked repeatedly at the box office. As his contract was nearing completion, every film Chan had starred in had lost money. Lo was losing interest; he gave Chan greater lattitude to choreograph Spiritual Kung Fu in his own quirky style. While the film was in progress, producer Ng See Yuen came by, and saw Chan working. He asked Lo if he might borrow the star for two titles. Lo agreed.

Ng linked Chan with another talented, young choreographer, Yuen Wo Ping. Yuen’s father, a veteran action player, was brought in to play an old master.

Something snapped on the set. Others had done martial arts comedy before, but the blend of uninhibited creativity, emotinally intense performances, irreverent humor, and rare athleticism set Snake apart. It was the first in a long list of box office record breakers for Chan, propelling several members of the cast and crew to immediate stardom.

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I’m back, gentle readers! Sorry for being away for so long, and thanks to Craig and Reverend Matt for keeping hope alive while I endured my apartment-moving adventure. To celebrate my triumphant return, I eviscerate 300! Enjoy.

Loud, obnoxious, and completely devoid of irony, 300 is one of the few films in modern history to achieve stratospheric levels of self-parody long before its release. The bombastic trailer (complete with blaring Nine Inch Nails music) inspired more self-conscious giggling than awe, and by the time the film hit theaters, an endless series Internet memes featuring bellows of “THIS… IS… (noun)” and animated images of Gerard Butler’s screaming face had proliferated nearly everywhere on the Internet. Soon, Michael J. Nelson’s Rifftrax will feature a humorous commentary on the movie which is, to my mind, almost certainly redundant. 300 is its own best parody.

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Pardon me while I dole out some meta-whatever for a moment.

I write this column about once a week. Actually, I’m more prone to write two or three in a week, and then post them on subsequent Tuesdays. And you lot read them. I write; you read. It’s a good working relationship. Some of you even write in a brief note, offering praise, asking questions, and generally just letting me know that people are still reading.

A few weeks back, I was sitting down at lunch with some friends, at least two of whom I know read the column on a regular basis. Another fellow, I’ll call him Bort, asked that most dangerous of questions: “So, Craig, can you recommend any good kung fu movies?” People at the table were visibly cringing in fear, probably suspecting I was going to spend the next two hours yakking eveyone’s ears off about movies.

Instead, I just said, “Dimfuture.net. I write a review column every week. Check it out.” I went on for a moment about the format, explaining my pride and joy, the If you like this… section.

“I was kind of hoping for something that wouldn’t require reading,” Bort said.

I was shit out of clever comebacks to that.

I mean, what do I say? Ultimately, we’re talking about movies, and it’s appropriate for people to set for themselves the level of effort they want to put in. On the flip side, I’m not very good at doing reviews and recommendations off the cuff. Writing things down gives me a chance to get my thoughts organized a little better, and work through a set of points. I mean, how am I going to remember, just sitting there in a restaurant, waiting for my chicken to arrive, how many triple kicks there were in Crystal Hunt?

Still, pulling up a web browser, typing in a URL, reading… It can be a grind. All to find out what movies to watch. Isn’t this the kind of thing a Myth box does for you automatically?

So, to you, yes, you right there, the one reading this: Thank you for putting in the time and effort to be a part of this humble online community.

And now, some films called Iron Monkey.

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